Things The Internet Demands: Black Spider-Man

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about the Betty White meme, and how the internet rose as one to demand she host SNL, and didn’t stop to consider whether or not she even wanted to.  To me, this (as well as the post SNL attempt to get Ms. White to host the Oscar’) was a perfect illustration of the entitlement we internet denizens feel is owed to us.  Now that we have all been given access to blogs and comment boards, we feel our opinions are ever so important, and our desire to see Celebrity X star in Such And Such demands gratification.  We are a silly breed, indeed.  It is because of this silliness that I have decided to cover all the different examples of things the internet demands as I find them in this Things The Internet Demands makeshift column.

Well, another example has presented itself, and holy shit, did the internet up the ante.  It is now demanding that Donald Glover be given the part of Peter Parker/Spider-man in the upcoming reboot.  For those who don’t recognize the name, he is a former writer for 30 Rock and currently stars on Community.  Why did everyone decide Glover deserved the role?  No idea, but I am now reasonably certain that the internet just likes to slam random things together and call it awesome.

I don't even know

An important difference, however, is that Glover has actually come and said he would indeed be interested in the part, which actually gives credence to the continuation of the movement.  And Glover has also stated that he doesn’t want to just be given the part, he wants to audition and be judged by his ability, not by a Facebook popularity contest.  It seems even he realizes how stupid it is to base casting decisions solely on the opinion of the masses, who really shouldn’t be trusted anyway since they made Transformers 2: Michael Bay Is Still Overcompensating For Something the highest grossing movie of 2009.

Now, I like Glover on Community, and there isn’t any reason I can think of as to why he wouldn’t do a good job.  If he nails the audition, power to him.  If not, whatever.  Since I couldn’t give two shits about the Spider-Man reboot, I have even less interest in the casting.  What I do have interest in, however, is if Glover will even be allowed to audition.

See, for anyone who hasn’t noticed yet, Glover is black.  Peter Parker, as everyone knows, has always been depicted as a white kid.  This has kicked off the question, asked even by Newsweek, “Can Spider-Man Be Black?”  While it may be easy to dismiss as injecting race into a situation to create controversy, it should be noted that director Marc Webb’s short list for actors to play the part were all white.  Yes, I understand that Peter Parker is white in the comics, but when adapting works for the screen (especially when you’re rebooting a franchise anyway) you do have some creative license to change things.  “Fans” might get pissy, but honestly, they’re going to be pissy anyway.  Take your pick of a comic book movie, no matter how well received, and there is a forum somewhere tearing it apart for not “following the original.”  Now obviously Glover shouldn’t be cast just because he’s black, but there is also no reason that non-white actors shouldn’t have been included in the search to find the best Peter Parker out there.  For as awful of a movie Daredevil was, Michale Clark Duncan made a badass Kingpin, even though Kingpin was always white in the comics.

So while I hate the trend of passively-aggressively demanding entertainers perform at a certain venue or be given a part, a part of me is glad to see it being used to diversify the playing field.  And unfortunately, Sony and Webb are stuck in a lose-lose situation.  If they stick with their short list and ignore Glover, they risk having the race card played against them, and more importantly will have a web full of spiteful bloggers going for their jugulars.  If they do give Glover an audition, and especially if they end up casting him, they risk your typical afirmative-action B.S. about how he just got the part because he’s black, and the wrath of purists who can’t comprehend making such a change to their beloved hero.  Webb and Co. are pretty much boned.

But hopefully it will serve as a lesson to future adaptations:  There is no need to limit your casting options for something as silly as race.  Now, there are exceptions.  By the nature of his story, Thor has to be white, since he’s based on Norse mythology, and Norwegians are about as white as you can get .  Casting a, I dunno, Latino in the role for diversity’s sake would be ridiculous.  And the Black Panther kind of has to be black.  But for most heroes, race plays no part into their origin stories.  Especially as writers and directors modernize the stories anyway, the heroes can be pretty much anyone.  And isn’t that the appeal of heroes like Spider-Man?  That an every-day person can become something more?  And let’s be honest, in New York City, your every-day person is more likely to be non-white anyway.  So lets live up to that appeal where anyone can dream of saving the world.

Well... maybe not ANY one

10 Films From 2009

Originally, I was going to make up a list of my ten favorite movies from this past year.  I soon scratched that idea.  1) There are a number of movies I haven’t seen that would most likely be serious contenders for this list (my every attempt to see A Serious Man has been foiled by some unseen force.  Most likely global warming.)  2)  I didn’t want to get into fights with friends who will read this and later come up to me and say “What, you didn’t put Avatar in your top 10?  That movies was just SO AWESOME MAN!”

This tanning bed is AWESOME

So instead what I have decided to do is just put together a list of movies from the past year that I took notice of not because of how good they were, but from the impact (or lack there of) they had on the cultural landscape.  Some of them were great.  Some of them were God awful.  All of them were movies.

10. Avatar

Might as well get this one out of the way.  By the time December came around, everyone knew about mother-fucking Avatar.  My 90 year old grandma new about it.  If you didn’t, you were probably in a coma.  The hype surrounding this movie was massive, as was it’s budget.  Cameron touted his new 3D technology and promised it would revolutionize filmmaking.  But would the movie be any good?  Well, that depends.  The visuals were pretty damn fantastic, and the 3D Cameron wouldn’t shut up about were indeed impressive as fuck.  But the actual story was predictable and familiar.  It was basically Ferngully.  With explosions.  Now, far be it from me to poo-poo on that solid premise, but now there is talk of it getting an Oscar nod for Best Picture.  Really?  Best Picture for a movie that turned its central plot device (“unobatonium”) into a goddamn pun?  Boo.

9. Jennifer’s Body

Remember that witty, only slightly irritating dialog that made Juno such a hit back in 2007, and earned Diablo Cody a Best Screenplay award?  Now imagine a movie with twice as much flashy dialogue, no sincerity or character development to keep the sarcastic lines grounded, and replace the acting chops of Ellen Page with the non-acting black void that is Megan Fox.  Sound like a winner?  If you answered “no,” then congratulations!  You are at least passingly intelligent.  You’re also not alone.  The film only made $16 million, just barely breaking even.  I guess America has had it’s fill of Codisms.

OMG I'M TOTES A DEMON

8. Funny People

Funny People was important because it showed that movie goers want their funny movies to be funny, not sentimental.  It’s lackluster performance was a bit of a disappointment to me, because I thought it was a great film.  Not since Punch-Drunk Love has Adam Sandler so successfully translated his man-child humor into a performance that actually shows talent.  It was a well executed, very personal story, with all the ups and downs that come with it.  Also, dick jokes.  But it seems there is less and less room in the multiplexs for such movies, when people can see giant robots blow up.

7. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Oh look, giant robots blowing up.  And it’s the highest grossing film of the year.  Remember last year when that distinction went to The Dark Knight?  A movie that redefined how deep an impact a comic book movie could make, that astounded both critics and the general public alike?  Fuck that.  Apparently, what people really want is awful dialog, what appeared to be the vomit of an actual story, and a tiny robot humping Megan Fox’s leg for no real reason.  Throw in some good ole fashioned racial stereotyping and incoherent and surprisingly boring action sequences, and viola, you get a big pile of shit that we all actually paid for.

6. Land of the Lost

Movies like Transformers have proved that throwing lots and lots and lots of money around to remake retro property can have a huge payoff.  This was not the case for Land of the Lost.  Reportedly costing $100 million to make, the movie made back just shy of half of it’s budget.  That’s a lot of money it didn’t make.  The problem may be that, while many of the coveted 18-30 demographic grew up with say Transformers and G.I. Joe, they had missed the spectacle that was Land of the Lost.  The point of franchises is that they are familiar to the audience, hence the draw.  But the kiddies had no clue what the hell Land of the Lost was, and those who did were likely not impressed with Will Ferrel screaming at a CGI T-rex that should in no way look as fake it did with such a huge budget.

Also, you can't fight a T-rex with a stick

5. Paranormal Activity

On the opposite end of the money spectrum, Paranormal Activity proved that “budget” is a relative term.  The movie only cost a mere $15,000 to make.  It then made $107 million.  That means it made 7,133,333 times what it cost to make.  So while Transformers may be the highest grossing film of the year, it kind of had to to recoup costs.  But thanks to a unique distribution that helped insure the movie was initially only shown were there was interest, and thanks to the fact that it was one of only a handful of movies that wasn’t a remake or a sequel (and was good to boot), Paranormal Activity took the cake as the most profitable movie of all time.  Fuck you, Michale Bay.

4. Watchmen

The un-filmable graphic novel made it to the cineplex this year, and did it spark some debate.  Expectations for a the adaptation were probably unfairly high, and everyone seemed to have at least a few grievances with the movie (For me, the big one was the soundtrack.  Subtelty be damned, apparently).  But for all it’s flaws, the fact that we even got an adaptation is something quite miraculous (especially for those familiar with the lgal battle that played out right before it’s release).  And while everyone complained for the week after, we pretty much forgot about it after that.  So it probably wasn’t that bad.

Then again...

3.  Star Trek

This movie makes it on the list solely because it made me like Star Trek, and I know I’m not the only one.  J.J. Abrams reboot/re imagination of the  franchise made Star Trek kick ass and explosive, two words which I can never recall being used to describe it before.  It was the first big blockbuster of the summer (sorry Wolverine, but you’re shitty ass movie doesn’t count) and, for better or worse, clearly spelled out that this summer would be dominated by franchise movies with lots of things going boom.  The only downside is that years from now, kids will watch this movie and come under the mistaken assumption that all Star Trek is cool.  Those poor, ignorant fools.

2. Up

For the past number of years, Pixar has proven itself to be one of the most consistent studios in the business, cranking out animated films that have been adored both by critics and the general public.  Up put them at 10 for 10, and showed that they could draw an audience even with a marketer’s nightmare (how would YOU sell a movie about a crotchety old man who learns about letting go of the past to kids?).  From making everyone in the theater cry within the first 10 minutes, to making them laugh hysterically at talking dogs, Up was a perfect showcase of just how great Pixar is at story telling.  It was also one of the first movies to utilized 3D in a non-gimmicky way; a la objects flying out from the screen (Coraline also deserves mention for this).   Keep em coming, Pixar.

1. New Moon

As much as it pains me to say it, no other movie made as much of an impact on the pop culture landscape as New Moon.  The army of it’s teen girl fan base waited anxiously (and loudly) all year for it’s release, and the rest of us complained about it.  Arguments about how the series was nothing more than the author’s poorly written wish fulfillment, or that it centered around and promoted a borderline abusive relationship and sexism fell on deaf ears, drowned out by such arguments as “But Jacob is SO HOT!”

Above: Logic

For the whole year, any new trailer or photo stills from the move that got released was treated as breaking news, and Twitter feeds were a flutter with “OMG!”s.  It may not have grossed as much as the summer blockbusters (it ranks as the number six grossing film of the year, with over $255 million), but chances are you saw more of it than anything else this year.  Whether it be on Team Edward/Jacob t-shirts, Burger King cups, or Volvo car commercials, everyone was made painfully aware of it’s existence.  Because screaming tween/teen girs always know what’s best.