Lebron Leaves, World Apparently Ends

Originally, I wanted to stay out of the LeBron James discussion entirely.  Yea, he is the most well known sports figure in the world right now, but he is still just a basketball player.  I felt there were more important things going on (like the federal ban on gay marrige being declared unconstitutional), and saw no need to jump on the bandwagon.  Plenty of other people willing to do that.

But unfortunately, I am a Clevelander.  Born and raised.  So I can’t escape the discussion.  When every single person within a 30 mile radius wants to talk about “The Decision,” fuck, I’m gonna have to go with it.  So fine.

Let’s start things off with an unpleasant reality: Who doesn’t want to get the hell out of Cleveland?  I know that if I were offered the chance to move somewhere else, ESPECIALLY if that somewhere else if freakin’ Miami, I would take that offer in a heartbeat.  Yeah, Cleveland is his home town (though techinically, it’s Akron that’s his hometown) but how many people stick around thier entire lives?  Loads of people move off to newer pastures.  The fact that he is moving to another team in itself is not a betrayal of his roots.

What IS a betrayal, however, and where anger is justified, is the WAY in which LeBron carried out his decision.  For two months now, drama had been building up around where LeBron would go.  And he kept playing it up.  From making hs official announceent of Free Agency during the NBA Chamionship series, to putting up a “countdown” on his website, to having an hour program on ESPN devoted to his decision, LeBron acted like brat child who needs constant attention.  His ego was on full display, and by holding his breath and waiting for the last possible moment (to capatilize as much as possible on the plubicity), he effectively screrwed Cleveland out of getting anyone out of the signings.  He’s an ass, a self-promoting douchebag whose ego has started to eat itself.

But, he’s always been a self-promoting douchebag.  That’s not a surprise.  Also not a surprise is his decision to leave.  I’ve know for two years he would leave, ever since he first started floating out wanting to be a free agent.  TWO YEARS.  All the while he was just as much of an arrogant ass as he is now.  That’s why he has his Toss-Some-Coke-Into-The-Air pregame ritual, and why there are (or were, I’m sure at this point) all those gigantic “Witness” posters around downtown, as if he really were some kind of supernatural savior.  Granted, the posters probably weren’t his idea, but he went along with it in gusto.

The point is, he has always put being in the spotlight above the game itself.  And until yesterday, everyone went along with it.  We kissed his ass for seven years, and are only now calling him out on his shit because he’s doing something we don’t approve of.  For as much of an ass as LeBron has been, I still find it hard to sympathize with my fellow Clevelanders, who I know would have continued to kiss his ass had he decided to stay for whatever reason.  If this had happened to the Browns or even the Indians, I would be much more suppotive, bcause those fans, by and large, stick with the team even through the shit seasons.  But there have not been any real Cavs fans over this past decade.  We had LeBron fans, people who were only interested because now we in the national spotlight.  Did anyone go to a Cavs game pre-2002?  Cause I went to a number of them, and there were not many fans to speak of then.

The bright spot in this whole thing is that now we do have Cavs fans, even if it’s for the wrong reasons.  Cleveland is anxious to prove that we don’t need LeBron, as evidenced by Dan Gilbert’s trash-talkingly awesome Letter to the Fans.  Can we win a championship before LeBron?  I wouldn’t rule it out.  But this mentality does strike an awful resemblance to a bad breakup, where you shout “I don’t need you!” to your former lover before going home and crying into a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s, desperately wishing they would come back.

Personally, I’m glad LeBron left.  Especially after watching his performance in the finals, I don’t think we’re in that bad of shape.  And I’m glad to see Cleveland rallying up behind the Cavs franchise, and not just King James (and this is Amurrca anyway, we don’t like kings!).  Most importantly, I’ll be glad when all this LeBron talk is finally dying down, so we can stop feeding his cravings for attention.

The Betty White Meme: Stop It

The internet is a wonderful/terrible thing.  It’s ability to connect people from all over the globe means that it is now possible for folks from all walks of life to come together and do things otherwise thought impossible.  Unfortunately, this is usually manifested by idiotic internet memes that take over your computer for a month until people finally realize they weren’t that funny to begin with and they fade away into nothingness.

I DON'T CARE, 4CHAN!

Every so often though, a meme pops up that makes a real impact on the cultural landscape.  And there is usually no discernible reason to explain why.  Enter Betty White.  For seemingly random reasons, the “Betty White Should Host SNL!” meme was all over the place.  Why Betty White?  I have yet to come across someone who can provide me an answer with any more depth than “Because she’s awesome!”  Now don’t get me wrong, Betty White is a great comedic actress.  But it struck me as odd that everyone jumped on board to get her to host.  While it would be unfair to say she is past her prime, she is freaking 88 years old.

But then that never stopped Keith Richards

Regardless of the insane reason behind the attempt, it worked, and Betty White did in fact host Saturday Night Live.  More importantly, she brought in the shows highest ratings since Tina Fey was doing the Palin skits.  And it was a quality show to boot.  Even at 88, Ms. White proved she was just as funny as these young whipper-snappers.  It seemed a great way for her to go out, by answering the call of pop culture and proving you can still kick ass.  But the internet wasn’t done with her yet (the internet apparently being the island from Lost).  Now it wants her to host the Academy Awards.

Cinematical asks if Betty White could reinvigorate the Oscars.  It’s reasonable to suggest she would.  But the more important question, I think, is Does Betty White even want to fucking do it?  Let’s not forget, she’s 88 years old.  The fact that she hosted a live sketch television show is impressive, but the Oscars is a marathon of self-congratulatory Hollywood excess.  With all the wardrobe changes and the bloated run time, should we really be asking America’s most beloved senior citizen to perform simply for our amusement?

It would be one thing if Betty White had expressed some kind of interest to do so.  But like the SNL meme, this Oscar one has sprung up on Facebook all on its own.  Does she want to do it?  Who the fuck cares!  145,000 fans on Facebook demand it!

He demands it

Now, maybe Betty White would in fact like to host the Oscars.  In that case, good for her.  She probably would do a great job.  My point is that it is not up to us to decide that a specific individual should preform.  She’s not a trained monkey.  She’s not an enslaved gladiator.  She doesn’t have to get up on stage just because a bunch of people with too much time on their hands start a petition.  She’s earned the right to kick back a bit and only do the things she wants to do.  So I guess what I’m saying is, Leave Betty White Alone!

Is a Gleek Still a Geek If They’re Popular?

I’ve never been a big fan of musicals.  The big choreographed dance numbers and random people all somehow able to sing in harmony at a moments notice goes beyond my suspension of disbelief.  I only enjoy musicals when it’s clear they aren’t taking themselves seriously (like Spamalot or Avenue Q) and don’t try to pass themselves off as realistic.  Disney animated movies usually involve talking animals, so it isn’t much more of a leap for musical numbers to break out there, either.

Though there are limits

So when Fox first aired Glee back in September 2009, I avoided it pretty hard.  The show did not look particularly bad, I just don’t take to musicals very well, and so spent my time on other shows (like the fantastic Modern Family).  I never begrudged the show or assumed it was terrible, just wasn’t my cup of tea.  Also, knowing plenty of theatre kids in college, I felt I had lived through a lot of that “drama” anyway.  While I wasn’t looking, however, Glee fucking exploded.  It garnered critical praise and amassed a feverent fan base calling themselves Gleeks (get it?!?!).  It went on to win the Emmy for Best Comedy, and its return from it’s winter hiatus was heavily promoted with 5 zillion ginormous pop up ads that invaded my internet in the weeks leadin up to premiere of the second half of it’s season (season 1.5?).

With the promotional blitz, friends going on about it, and seeing it on the cover of every other issue of Entertainment Weekly, I began to get curious.  Was I missing out on something special?  Could I be a Gleek deep down?  I certainly don’t fit in with most of the people around me, maybe this show will speak to me!  And then I saw a commercial for the new episode, which featured a character uttering the line “You know a dolphin is just a gay shark.”

What a real gay shark looks like

I groaned and rolled my eyes, and assumed that it was merely a throw away line, and that the producers where saving the good stuff as a surprise.  But then, the day after the premiere, that same line was quoted all over Facebook and Twitter.  Really?  That was funny?  I began to wonder if I had given the show too much credit.  I normally try not to trash entertainment I have not actually experienced myself, but perhaps I had gone too far in the other direction.  Well that settled it, I told myself.  I need to watch Glee and see just what this show everyone is talking about is.

So I pulled up the Glee pilot on my computer one afternoon this week, prepared to marathon the hell out of the show and try and catch up.  I hit the play button.  Once the pilot was over, I turned my computer off.  I could not keep going.

Now, I had prepared myself to sit through musical numbers.  What I had not prepared myself for the volume of camp and melodrama it contained, and the groan inducing forced jokes (for the most part, anyway.  I did laugh at Matthew Morrison’s “They feel like they’re invisible.  That’s why they all have Myspace pages” line, however dated the joke may be).  And it seemed to me that the show was trying just too hard with Jane Lycnh, who I consider a fantatstic comedic performer otherwise.  Her first line of the episode (“You think that’s hard?  Try waterboaring, that’s hard!”) just felt way too blunt and on the nose for setting up who they wanted her character to be, and it continued throughout the episode.  Surprisingly, the musical numbers were fewer and more entertaining than I had anticipated, but they hardly made up for the rest of the show.  It seemed to me like Glee was merely trying to wear you down into liking it by smiling a lot.

Criticism aside, I did find things to appreciate.  Matthew Morrison gives his character a lot of added depth, which is needed amongst all the high school drama cliches.  And despite my aversion to the show, there is a certain charm to it’s underdog nature.  The show is about people who feel alienated by the world they live, and struggle to be taken seriously by those around them.  The show itself mimics the theme, by being unsure of how campy/melodramatic/satirical it wants to be at any given time.  Glee is that dorky kid with big dreams, trying to get noticed in a world full of the big popular kids like House or Lost.

And unfortunately, it’s doomed to fail.

But it's too big to fail!

This isn’t because I’m not a fan of the show.  Like Twilight, I’m outside the target demographic.  They will not lament my loss.  If I were to complain to the producers about not liking the show, they’d probably shrug and say “Why would you?”  They could give a shit about my opinion, and rightly so.  There are plenty of other people who adore the show.  Everyone loves an underdog.  And that’s the problem.

Something major happened during the first half of Glee‘s first season: it got immensely popular.  Which is for the most part a good thing for a show.  But I feel Glee may be a bit of a special case.  Like I said, even for someone like me who doesn’t like it, there is a charm to it’s “lets just put on a show!” attitude.  But this persona is somewhat undercut by the massive promotional push and vibrant popularity.  Granted, the promotional blitz featured on magazine covers and online ads aren’t the shows doing.  But it does highlight an important fact; Glee isn’t an underdog anymore.  It’s a full fledged phenomenon.

And that creates problems for any show.  Especially considering the onslaught of ads that preempted this weeks premiere, backlash is all but inevitable.  It’s highly unreasonable and unfair to expect a show to live up to such extensive hype.  And a show like Glee, which seems to want to be so many different kinds of shows at once, will have a particularly hard time meeting expectations.  Fans are finicky, and when things get really popular really fast, they’re even worse.  And Glee has the added problem of being simultaneously a show about underdogs and one of the most popular programs on television.  This makes it’s message a bit shallow.  Kind of like how Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” ends up being sung by the same preppy popular girls the song vilifies, or  how “Born in the USA” has gone from a critique of the violence of Vietnam to a chest pounding “Amurrrrrca!” patriotic anthem.

But that doesn’t even touch the biggest hurtle Glee now has to face.  Like a number of other shows, Glee has adopted a bizarre shooting schedule, which essentially splits the season into two mini-seasons (a strategy that upsets me for a whole batch of other reasons, but this is neither the time nor place to air those grievances).  The first half was filmed with no fan reaction.  The second half that is now just starting to air, however, was produced with mountains of fan reaction to build off of.  More Songs!  More Relationship Complications!  More Sue Sylvester! (judging by the new promos, it looks like the producers definitely ran with that last one)  But fans don’t know what makes a good show.  Ever read fan fiction?  Yeah, they’re terrible.

"... and then Harry Potter took my virginity."

Glee hasn’t even made it out of it’s first season, and it has already had to content with message board wish lists of what the fans want to see.  And if the show tries to please everyone, it will become even more center-less than it already is.  Remember what happened to Heroes when they started taking in fan reactions?  It wasn’t pretty.

Granted, I’m basing this off of viewing the pilot episode, random bits and pieces of other episodes, and what my many friends who love this show tell me.  And perhaps I am a bit bitter and am subconciously hoping for the show to fail.  I’m watching a program I have no interest in get the full support of a network that abandoned Arrested Development (aka the funniest show ever) to fend for itself and scramble for ratings, and chose to run Firefly out of order so no one knew what was going on, and then act all surprised when the ratings weren’t there.  Neither of those are Glee‘s fault, and I really wish the show no ill will.  But that won’t matter if the show collapses under the weight of it’s own hype and too eager fanbase.

Fanboys: The Hydra Paradox

Fanboy (noun) – 1. a person willing to defend and promote the object of his affection regardless of fact and objectivity.  2. a person who is completely loyal to a game,  company, etc.  regardless of if they suck or not.

We all know fanboys.  Many people use the term as an insult of sorts, which is a bit unfair.  Fanboys are an impressive lot, as they seem capable of making others hate even the best quality movies, shows, and games by their near inconceivable levels of annoyance.   No matter how much you might actually like something, you will avoid it like the plague to spite the asshole who wouldn’t shut up about it for 15 hours.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I GET IT! BATTLESTAR GALACTICA IS A GREAT BLEND OF SCI-FI AND POLITICAL COMMENTARY!

Fanboys can be devoted to just about anything, from movies and TV shows (with Star Trek and Star Wars being the most well know of the fanboy communities), to tech (Apple), to games (Halo), and celebrities (Kristen Bell).  While a majority of fanboy communities revolve around sci-fi, it would be a mistake to assume it does not stretch beyond the traditional geek fare.  Mad Men is a great recent example of a non-sci-fi entity gaining that kind of devoted (and annoying) fan base.  Yes, fanboys stretch across many terrains.  For the sake of this post, however, I will focus on the TV show and movie corners of this domain.

That is because fanboys of a particular show or movie (or by extension, a director or producer) partake in an interesting habit.  One they latch onto something to love and to hold forever and ever, they extend some of that devotion to other things that have some connection to the original object of affection.

For example, let’s look at Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Look at her!

Buffy developed quite the devoted fan base in it’s time, and still does today despite being off the air for seven years.  Buffy fanboys exhibit all the typical traits you would expect.  They defend it (sometimes illogically) against all criticism.  It is their most favoritest thing in the world, and nothing (not even the love of a woman) will ever be better than it.  But what is more important to my point, is how they put everyone involved with the show on a pedistal.  Thusly, anything those people do outside of the Buffy universe gets some of the awesomeness of Buffy rubbed off on it.  In some cases this makes sense.  As the creative force behind the show, Joss Wheadon deserves a bit of benefit-of-the-doubt when he has a new project come out.  Everything that happened on Buffy had to go by him, so if you like Buffy, it’s a fairly safe assumption that you will like the other things he does afterwords.

When it comes to the actors, though, its a bit different.  By their nature, if an actor is good they will be a very different person in the different productions they are in.  It’s easy to love an actor or actress in one movie, and hate them in another.  So it’s slightly more shallow to give an new movie or show the benifit of the doubt because you like an actor who is in it, especially since most actors and actresses have nothing to do with the creative side of a show or movie.  Back to Buffy fanboys, they take it a step further.  They like the actors who were on Buffy, not necessarily because they are good, but simply because they were on Buffy.

For example, let’s look at Alyson Hannigan.

I said look!

Alyson played Willow on the Buffy television program.  She also stared in the American Pie movies (the ones that were good enough to be released in theaters, anyway).  She is, in my opinion, a talented comedic actress.  But when How I Met Your Mother started in 2005, the Buffy fans did not say “That Alyson Hannigan sure is talented, I should check this show out.”  They said “It’s Willow from Buffy!  This show is gonna be awesome!”  They based their decision to watch a show not even on the talent of an actor, but on one character that actor played.

This can be extended to other things.  “Look, this movie has Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica in it!  Let’s go see it!”  Or “Ned from Pushing Daisies is gonna be in a new show!  We need to support it!”  Fans of Wheadon’s shows are especially prone to this, as they have an entire website devoted to those shows that keep track of what projects actors who appeared in his productions are working on, and then encouraging the fans to support those shows/movies.  These fanboy’s decisions on what shows or movies to watch are based not on the individual merits of the show or movie in question, but whether that show or movie has a connection to their beloved obsession.

This is what I have dubbed the Hydra Paradox.

Don't call it a paradox to it's face. It'll fuck you up.

In theory, this tendenciy of fanboys sounds like it would be a good thing.  Following the actors and other people associated with your favorite show seems to be a great way to branch out.  To go back to the Alyson Hannigan example, it’s very possible that many of those Buffy fanboys would have written HIMYM as another boring predictable sitcom and ignored it had it not been for the presence of Willow.  Surely HIMYM made out in that deal.  Theoretically, this fanboy devotion to those assciated with their obsession would provide a way to explore entertainment that is outside their comfort zone, and watch and enjoy things they would otherwise shrug off.

But this presents it’s own problem.  As a fanboy begins to rely more and more on the presence of someone associated with Lost or Stargate to determine what they view, they begin to shut out all other shows and movies.  For example, if two new shows start up at the same time, and one of them has John Locke from Lost in it and the other doesn’t have a connection to Lost, the Lost fanboy is going to go with the former.  Which show actually looks better is a secondary issue, they are there to support Terry O’Quinn simply because he once played a character on their favorite show.

This extreme, blind devotion is ridiculous.  While it is generalized (please don’t flood the comments section bitching about how your being a fanboy of whatever doesn’t cloud your judgement blah bah), most fanboys practice this in at least some capacity.  It is a particularly interesting practice to me, as fanboys tend to go on about how Buffy or Pushing Daisies or Chuck gets overlooked by the public because it doesn’t have any big stars attacthced to it.  People need to look beyond that to see how great and original the show actually is.  The problem is, it goes both ways.   Just because your actor is more obscure than the mainstream viewers, doesn’t mean your practice is any different.  Angle from Buffy (and Angle) doesn’t make Bones a good show.  That has to be determined by all the other aspects of the show.  Because if the only reason you are watching is because you love Angle, well, the show itself probably isn’t that great then, is it?

My point, and my beef with “fanboys”, is that a movie, a tv show, anything, should be judged by it’s own merit.  If you go see a movie that looks like crap, but has Jessica Alba in it so you go see it anyway, that’s idiotic.  Granted, it’s something we all do to some extent.  With all the decisions we have to make, we need any kind of short cut we can take.  But many fanboys take this to a whole new level.  It’s fine to like Hugh Laurie, the actor.  But when you begin to worship him because he plays House, and associate everything he does to that character, you step over the crazy line.  You need to at least try and show some objectivity, otherwise everyone is right to look down on the fanboy community.

Christmas Is Dead

Ah, Christmas.  THAT time of the year.  When we all talk about it being that time of year, with out worrying too much about what that actually means.  Is it that time of year where we go into debt trying to buy each other’s love and appreciation?  When we celebrate the birthday of a 2000 year old barn baby?  Dragons?  It all becomes very complicated in this hectic season.

Merry Christmas!

The problem is, Christmas has always been a slightly paradoxical holiday.  We go to stores to buy mass produced consumer goods to show people how special and unique they are to us.  This is the entire reason Santa Clause got so popular (it’s true!).  Parents used him as a way to trick kids into thinking the crap tinker toys they bought at the local store were hand-made and one of a kind.  It was a mere coincidence that little Billy down the street got the exact same toy train.

To tackle it from the religious angle (which really, why would you?) Christmas is supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, the magician with the killer beard who can produce SO MANY fish and loaves out of thin air.   Unfortunately, there is no reason for anyone to think that He was born on December 25th.  There is absolutley no mention of it in the Bible.  The Puritans actually made celebrating Christmas illegal for this reason.  They saw it as a slight against their savior.  Especially when you consider the only reason December 25th was chosen was because it coincided with the winter solstice and was convenient for converting pagans.  That’s kind of like having your parents celebrate your birthday on the Fourth of July even though it’s really in November just because they are already throwing a party.

The fireworks don't change that fact that your parents don't love you

So ok, neither way of celebrating makes a whole lot of sense.  But we have plenty of other traditions that are just as mind boggling.  Like eating turkey to celebrate giving small pox to the natives.  Or getting completely shitfaced in honor of a man who converted Ireland to Christianity.  Let’s face it, we suck at celebrating historic events and traditions.  We are much less concerned with what it is we are actually celebrating and much more gung ho about how awesome it will be for us.  Which is why centuries and centuries later, Christmas really has no connection left to what supposedly originated it.

Fine.  No big deal right?  At least we’re doing SOMETHING.  Maybe we don’t know exactly what it is we’re celebrating, but the fact that we’re celebrarting at least keeps it in the public conciouss.  That’s better than nothing.  It’s just like how Robert De Niro still shows up in movies, even though he stopped actually acting decades ago.

He doesn't care what his motivation is

The problem is, it’s a very superficial way of remembering.  And frankly, it’s harmful.  Remember last year when someone was freaking stampeded to death on Black Friday?  When does that fucking happen?  Did those Blu-ray players come with blow-job giving capabilities?  Is that why everyone needed to rush in there?

Go to the mall during the holiday season.  Not to shop, just to watch.  Watch how everyone blows past each other, hurrying to their next purchase.  Watch how irritated they get when they wait in line for even a minute.  Goddamnit, THEY HAVE SHIT TO DO!  Like buy their kid whatever this year’s must have toy is, even though it will end up in the corner of their closet within a week or two.

This is why I enjoy the Christmas I spend with my friends more than the one I spend with my family.  The family Christmas revolves around going to relative’s houses and exchanging gifts, then coming home and opening the gifts under the tree.  Who knows how much money was actually thrown around getting everyone everything that was on their list.  By the time all the presents have been opened, the day is pretty much over.

The Christmas with friends, however, is much more simple.  We’ll get everyone A (singular) gift, with it sometimes being something homemade.  It’s more about showing how much you know the other person that about spending money.  And the gift part takes all of 5 minutes, with the rest of the evening devoted to actually spending time with one another.

Spend time with one another?! Unheard of!

So to say Christmas is dead may be a little off the mark, since it’s always been pretty superficial.  And yes, there will be people who find more simple and modest ways to celebrate that are closer to the ideal image everyone has of the season.  So it may be more accurate to say that Christmas has been battling lekuimia it’s entire life, and has always been on it’s death bed.  Festive.